For me, it's not so much what they do but why they're doing it. The short answer would be "anything that demonstrates that I'm an important part of their life, and that makes me feel unique to them.".
Uniqueness; It's important to me to be reminded that I'm special to them, that there is something about me unique to them from anyone else they know. It's more an attitude than a material thing, but it's still fun to set aside special instances, such as only attending a particular band with one partner, or associating a restaurant, city, or event with them.
Spontaneity; For me, it's important to be reminded that they still think about me unprompted when I'm not there, especially in long distance relationships or poly relationships (and critical in long distance *and* poly relationships).
Focus, quality time; having time together that when I'm with them, it's all about 'us'. Not necessarily just us out alone, but at least as a couple. It's important to be reminded that they think about me when I *am* there, too.
Consideration; Paying as much attention to my schedule as I do their own, concern for the feelings of my friends and family, and not making demands. Hm, that last bit is difficult to convey. As the saying goes, "asking is just polite demanding". When suggesting something to do, I can tell when they offer a graceful out as well that they want to know if I'm interested in it as well. It's a good way to prevent anyone getting bossy in the relationship, provides an opportunity for reassurance on one hand and a hedge against feeling rejected on the other. For example, "There's a nifty play I'd like to see on thursday, but I know you have a project due on friday.", "It'd be nice to have you stay over tonight; it is a work night, though.", and so on.
As for the corollary, I'm with coraline (nice dodge, there) that it varies from person to person, and of course it's quite frustrating to have mismatched expectations. It's too easy to get into a death spiral where you're each trying to provide, within you're own limits, what you think the other person wants based on what they're providing you. Any number of O. Henry short story plots rapidly ensue. Huzzah communication, and all that.
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Date: 2006-01-20 08:44 pm (UTC)Uniqueness; It's important to me to be reminded that I'm special to them, that there is something about me unique to them from anyone else they know. It's more an attitude than a material thing, but it's still fun to set aside special instances, such as only attending a particular band with one partner, or associating a restaurant, city, or event with them.
Spontaneity; For me, it's important to be reminded that they still think about me unprompted when I'm not there, especially in long distance relationships or poly relationships (and critical in long distance *and* poly relationships).
Focus, quality time; having time together that when I'm with them, it's all about 'us'. Not necessarily just us out alone, but at least as a couple. It's important to be reminded that they think about me when I *am* there, too.
Consideration; Paying as much attention to my schedule as I do their own, concern for the feelings of my friends and family, and not making demands. Hm, that last bit is difficult to convey. As the saying goes, "asking is just polite demanding". When suggesting something to do, I can tell when they offer a graceful out as well that they want to know if I'm interested in it as well. It's a good way to prevent anyone getting bossy in the relationship, provides an opportunity for reassurance on one hand and a hedge against feeling rejected on the other. For example, "There's a nifty play I'd like to see on thursday, but I know you have a project due on friday.", "It'd be nice to have you stay over tonight; it is a work night, though.", and so on.
As for the corollary, I'm with
Hm. I should've stuck with just the short answer.