Gotta deal with my head better

[jbsegal]

Really, I've gotta get better about the feeling that, on any given night that I've got nothing happening and that others are not similarly at loose ends, that I'm being actively excluded from whatever it is that's happening.

Sadly, though, it's not nearly that easy, esp. when some of those things that are going on are things I'd really like to be included in.

I know... Space and invitation lists are not infinite, there are many things I'm NOT excluded from, and so on... but still, it's not easy.

{sigh}

Comments

[aliothsan.livejournal.com]

Ouch. Just be careful that you don't fall into "I'm excluded because people are unaware I exist". It's better than "I'm excluded because people dislike me" or "I'm excluded because I get prioritized out of finite invitation lists", but it's still no good. (A local rather than absolute extremum, perhaps.)

[jbsegal.livejournal.com]

The 1st isn't my ... worry isn't the right term... stress point?

The 2nd and 3rd really are more where my head goes to, sadly.

[aliothsan.livejournal.com]

Oops, I wasn't clear. What happened to me was I was stuck on the 2nd and 3rd, and fell to the 1st because it was an improvement, however small. But from there it's hard to get to "It doesn't concern me that I have 'nothing to do' tonight", which is the place to be. The 1st is like a small dimple in a potential-energy landscape, one that isn't the absolute minimum. You have to increase your energy again to get out of it.

[76trombones.livejournal.com]

Yeah, it's good to get to that place. (Well, there might be cases where the lack of things-to-do on given night is part of a pattern of not having enough socialization overall, but I suspect all three of us are busy enough that we don't actually have that problem.)

For me, one important trick is to remind myself that, extrovert though I may be, it's still good for me to have some time at home to do things, or to do nothing! So it's really OK not to have plans.

That trick doesn't address the "feeling left out of exciting things I don't know about that probably do exist" problem directly, but if my mood improves and I start doing something useful or fun/relaxing, well, I'm less likely to worry about the people who are Out Having More Fun.

There's also a thought in my head about being able to skip some parties on too-full weekends, calming the fear of "but if I don't go to things, maybe there won't be more things, and I won't have much to do, and it'll be just like high school and I'll be bored"... but brain no make good sentence right now. Still, I think it's related, even though it's a different thing. Actions taken because of fear of X, related to emotions felt when X occurs once and some part of me fears that X will keep happening. Yeah, something about that.

(Oh, and I did have friends in high school, but many of us were outsiders in some ways -- which wasn't all bad, mind you -- and they were mostly in other grades. So there were definitely parties I knew about but wasn't invited to, or knew about after the fact, etc. And it was nothing like the whirlwind of college, with suddenly so many exciting people and things!)

This comment has long since lost focus. But the main point: it's not just you, and here is some sympathy!

[quietann.livejournal.com]

You could be us, who didn't know about *anything* going on tonight. We went to see Enchanted, which was a rather lovely, silly movie.

[jbsegal.livejournal.com]

Tonight, I actually don't know of a thing that's happening... I am starting to suspect, from other folks' LJ burblings, that there were things, but really, I don't know what/where/who/etc.

[jadia.livejournal.com]

Often a good solution to feeling excluded is to just start trying to organize your own events, so you get to do the excluding instead? :-) I can't say I've tried it and it's worked, but I've successfully felt less excluded when I *thought* about organizing my own things and *intended* to....

[macthud]

Yeah.

When you figure this out, whether it's via chemicals or hypnosis or whatever, let me know, eh?

It's weekends like this one, where the invitations and options are lacking, when I really hate the glut of options for things like New Year's Eve. It would have made me much happier to not surf that night, and have a party or two this weekend.

I find it's easier (and likely more true) to convince myself it's not active exclusion when the host(s) of today's event have recently included me in something.

It's doubly *hard* to do that, and doubly painful, when I've recently hosted, instigated, or just attended an event where the host(s) were included and seemed to have a good time with me... That's when I start falling into the (too real, then) high school fear and loathing of two-facedness.

(P.S. Because it seems worth saying, my weekend has remained solo and homebody. I'll likely be leaving the house tomorrow, but that's more about needing half-n-half and other necessities than it is about the social. More's the pity)

[(Anonymous)]

I am SOOOOOOOOOO tempted to say, "Oh, JB. It's just that you're 40 now and everyone you know, being commensurately old and decrepit, is not off having fun without you; no, it's just that your age cohort has gone and variously reproduced or become unable to stay up past 8 pm or in other ways turned so boring they are *embarrassed* to have you *see* them like this," just because it is so much fun to rag on you for angst I largely dispatched a decade or two ago. Anyway, it is the weekend after New Year's; there probably *isn't* anything happening for you to be left out of. And I promise, if I had a life, I would invite you to the events in it.

Aged Lauren

[42itous.livejournal.com]

*hugs* You know I would have included you in the rest of my evening if I could've.

[intuition-ist.livejournal.com]

a-men (in the fervent way, not the religious way)

[coraline]

i know that feeling very well :(

FWIW, i didn't know of anything happening last night either... *shrug*

[cutieperson]

*empathy*

[sodyera.livejournal.com]

No, it's not just you. This feeling hits a lot of folks from time to time. Just remember that we can't all be everywhere, although some of us would like to try. Personally, I blame the Internet for allowing us all to know that so much is going on but we don't have the transport or time (or cash) to do it all.

[ericavdg.livejournal.com]

Nothing going on here, either. Just trying to get the house in shape so we can have a party again some day. To which, of course, you and Your Lovely Wife will be invited.

[chienne-folle.livejournal.com]

*hug* That's a sucky feeling.

I am aware of many events that happen without me, including many events hosted by people who have been guests in my home at my own parties. The "Oh, I'm good enough to take hospitality FROM, but not good enough to give hospitality TO" really hurts.

It also hurts that most of these events allow people to ask to bring guests, but none of my friends ever asks if they can bring me. Ever.

So, you're not alone, my dear. I think perhaps it's part of the human condition.

The one thing that I can think of about you in particular that might limit your invitability is that you frequently do not respond to invitations, so the hosts don't know whether or not you intend to show up. Someone once said to me, "Oh, JB is flaky that way -- you never know if he's coming or not, but it's not personal to you." If you've gotten that sort of reputation, I can imagine that when space is limited, people might not want to spend a slot on somebody who won't say whether or not he's coming. Maybe you could consider becoming quite reliable about responding to invitations, which should eventually change your reputation about this matter?

*hug* You're always welcome at MY events!

[jasra]

I get that feeling too...

*empathy*

[blk]

You would have been TOTALLY welcome to come help me move, and stay for soup'n'cheese afterwards.

[pekmez.livejournal.com]

Sigh.... though my own variety of nobody likes me is slightly different, I know what you mean. (If I'm excluding you from things, it is largely such like ordering dinner and convincing a wild 2 year old to go to bed, though.)

[randomenvy.livejournal.com]

Ignoring the point of the post completely for now while I organize my thoughts.

Meanwhile, you're regularly welcome to come hang out and enjoy evenings at home with Alex. Those happen *very* frequently these days :-)

[beah.livejournal.com]

On a totally unrelated note, do you still want in on the meat CSA? Drop me email at my lj addy and let me know. :)