(no subject)

[jbsegal]

So, what do YOU think a good (relationship) partner does to show you they're still interested? (... outside the bedroom, that is. (... outside the sexual realm, entirely. Gods, you people...))

Comments

[forgotten-aria.livejournal.com]

Ask about feelings, thoughts. Try to get in little touches. Saying good bye, good night. Finding you when one of you comes home. Sharing important events and frivilous stories. Enjoying a laugh, a smile, those little things that just make one so happy when you care about another.

[surrealestate.livejournal.com]

- Spend lots of time together.
- A lot of listening.

Though the phrasing of the question implies to me that the other partner has some belief or concern that the first is no longer interested, so I'd have to ask why. Was there a change that perhaps prompted the issue? If so, I'd say to address that. If not, than address whatever the issue is.

[moominmolly.livejournal.com]

Shares life details, is clearly interested in my opinion on things, gets into actual discussions with me on things, invites me to fun activities I'd like ("hey! let's skate 10 miles!"), does little things that let me know they were thinking of me when I wasn't around ("I saw this and thought of you").

[lakmiseiru.livejournal.com]

Surprising you with a hot meal when you were expecting to have to cook for yourself, teasing you gently and gleefully engaging in the subsequent tickle battle, making two cups of tea instead of just one, reminding you gently about things you said you needed to do, smiling at you from across the room at public events, little saying goodbye/goodnight rituals (as has been stated), meeting you at T stations to walk you home, brushing your hair (particularly effective if both parties have brushable hair), and hiding small necessities like toothpaste or nailclippers in a cute fashion. Among many others. Basically, just doing the small little things that make each day a little better than it would have been before, along with all the usual emotional sharing sorts of things.

[lakmiseiru.livejournal.com]

Also, thank you for the caveat, otherwise this post would have been just a wee bit longer :^)

[perspicuity.livejournal.com]

all good things, and certainly things that occur in my relationship :)

non-verbal cues are very important. touchings especially in my vocabulary. DOING things for someone. buying that special treat for them in advance, and having it on hand when they're having a shitty day, thinking about their needs, sometimes before your own, BEING there in some fashion when they need you, even when they don't know it.

i'd also add it's the things they don't do, too much hopefully. like being patient instead of ripping you a new one every 10 minutes. defending your honor instead of joining in the catty comments (even if true).

but generally, surprises and teasings and many quirky things that should just happen. their lack is a rather distinct warning sign.

blowing you off to hang out with other people and decreasing good things is probably a good clue it goes the wrong way.

#

[hammercock.livejournal.com]

i'd also add it's the things they don't do, too much hopefully. like being patient instead of ripping you a new one every 10 minutes. defending your honor instead of joining in the catty comments (even if true).

This is a very good point, I think. Nothing grinds down a relationship like a constant stream of criticism from one's partner.

blowing you off to hang out with other people and decreasing good things is probably a good clue it goes the wrong way.

That, too.

[fidgetmonster.livejournal.com]

Listens/Asks/Helps. i.e., Active Interest.

[bluepapercup]

Listens when you talk, takes time to do things for you that you could do for yourself but it's so much nicer when they do them (like picking up your drycleaning, or getting easymac when yuo're out of it), cleaning up things around the house when you ask them to and doing it uncomplainingly, and I agree with everyone else, just all the little things that show they have taken the time to know you and what you like.

[vettecat.livejournal.com]

Leaves sweet little notes for no particular reason.

[kjc007.livejournal.com]

I save things up that I tell only him...

Make sure I thank him specifically for certain things (e.g., "thank you for helping me clarify the slides in my presentation - you made life much easier").

[c1.livejournal.com]

I'll take "relationship partner" to include "life long friend."
I was helping a dear friend move some machinery around in his barn last night and he reminded me that we've known each other for 20 years.
Of course, that comes with the baggage that we're both so far removed from our youth, but I'll happily carry those bags for another 20. And twice again...

[hawkegirl.livejournal.com]

Tells you they love you, their interested in you, you rock their world.

Asks you about your day, your hobbies, etc.

Puts effort into finding things to do together, dinners, ice skating, movies, etc.

[make-your-move.livejournal.com]

Active listening - not just hearing what you say, but understanding, mirroring back, responding with interest. Making time for each other - either unplanned (at home, no internet, TV, etc), or on the opposite end planning something just for the two of you - a walk, a date, a little surprise.

[skreeky]

I would think this would vary wildly from person to person. I like getting little pointless gifts. Some people hate having to figure out what to do with the useless clutter their partner "thoughtlessly" keeps bringing in. I like having my partner's attention while we eat dinner. Other people really hate not being "allowed" to watch TV. I like having my laundry folded and put away. Some people might be really annoyed by not having it done right. When I ask my partner to do something and he agrees, I take it as a direct slight when it's not done. Other people are more tolerant of "forgetting." I like it when he leaves the last glass of wine or the last piece of fruit or whatever for me... unless of course I'm on a diet.

I don't think there's a correct answer to this. In fact, some things others have suggested here, like hiding things you need in a hurry, like the toothpaste, would make me murderous.

[coraline]

depends on

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depends on <a href="http://selectsmart.com/FREE/select.php?client=lovelanguages"what their love language is</a>. basically what <user site="livejournal.com" user="skreeky"> said -- it's highly person dependant.

[lillibet.livejournal.com]

All the other comments seem like good suggestions for the daily round of things, but as a jumpstart method, I find trips to be a really good way to re-focus on each other. Get out of the daily round, go somewhere new and create new experiences together. Doesn't have to be a major undertaking--logistically or financially--even a day trip somewhere neither of you have been (an excursion to Fruitlands or a weekend in Vermont work just fine) can help to recapture a feeling of discovery.

[the-nita.livejournal.com]

Makes time to spend with *me*.
Listens
Challenges me.
*Tells* me. (small words, even)

[whuffle.livejournal.com]

Pay attention to the things that are important and interesting to you. Even if its a subject that they themselves have no interest in, they should know enough about it to listen to you when you need to talk about it and to respond appropriately. Basically, its a matter of taking interest in the things that matter to the people you care about.

[kimberlogic.livejournal.com]

You know what I think about this ... but I could say some of it again :)

Active listening, being engaged in things with your partner - conversation, activities, etc. Nuturing the other person's interests and growth. Sharing dreams, desires, fears, hardships, achievements. Surprising each other now and again - whether with dinner or having done the laundry or an outing or trip. Spontaneous expression of feelings, attachment ... and also a bit of spontaneous stuff like "hey love - i was just calling to say let's go do XYZ"
Travel is good for re-engaging if things have felt a bit busy or stuck. Just connecting, in old and new ways, always.

[trowa-barton.livejournal.com]

Squee with the occassional Schmoop.

[chienne-folle.livejournal.com]

My husband pats his hand over his heart in a rhythm that mimics a heartbeat. The neat thing about it is that he can do it when I'm too far away to hear him, but I still see it and know what it means. (It means "I love you.") He does it when he's too sleepy to talk or when (like now) he has a bad cold and can't talk.

I leave him little notes everywhere -- in his cereal bowl, in his hairbrush, in his underwear drawer.

I think the thing he does most, though, is that he GETS me. When I tell him something that happened today, I don't tell him how this fits into the rest of my life; he tells me. He understands how my mother's latest comment fits into our ongoing relationship or why my making a silly little movie with my movie game is a big deal or what my new doctor's comment meant to me. We've been together for 20 years now, and he understands me deeply and lets me know that every day. Nobody sexier or smarter or richer or more beautiful could even begin to replace what my husband does for me.

Show they're still interested

[wolfieboy.livejournal.com]

Her face lights up when she sees me.
Mine does the same for her.

[miss-chance.livejournal.com]

Never underestimate the bandwidth of an arm full of flowers.

[intuition-ist.livejournal.com]

- gets that sparkle in their eye when they see me
- hugs, lots&lots of hugs
- is ok with my being goofy
- laughs *with* me
- cheerfully does errands and chores that I consider bothersome
- touch, in general
- flowers and compliments always work
- surprises me in a good way

[marmota.livejournal.com]

For me, it's not so much what they do but why they're doing it. The short answer would be "anything that demonstrates that I'm an important part of their life, and that makes me feel unique to them.".

Uniqueness; It's important to me to be reminded that I'm special to them, that there is something about me unique to them from anyone else they know. It's more an attitude than a material thing, but it's still fun to set aside special instances, such as only attending a particular band with one partner, or associating a restaurant, city, or event with them.

Spontaneity; For me, it's important to be reminded that they still think about me unprompted when I'm not there, especially in long distance relationships or poly relationships (and critical in long distance *and* poly relationships).

Focus, quality time; having time together that when I'm with them, it's all about 'us'. Not necessarily just us out alone, but at least as a couple. It's important to be reminded that they think about me when I *am* there, too.

Consideration; Paying as much attention to my schedule as I do their own, concern for the feelings of my friends and family, and not making demands. Hm, that last bit is difficult to convey. As the saying goes, "asking is just polite demanding". When suggesting something to do, I can tell when they offer a graceful out as well that they want to know if I'm interested in it as well. It's a good way to prevent anyone getting bossy in the relationship, provides an opportunity for reassurance on one hand and a hedge against feeling rejected on the other. For example, "There's a nifty play I'd like to see on thursday, but I know you have a project due on friday.", "It'd be nice to have you stay over tonight; it is a work night, though.", and so on.

As for the corollary, I'm with coraline (nice dodge, there) that it varies from person to person, and of course it's quite frustrating to have mismatched expectations. It's too easy to get into a death spiral where you're each trying to provide, within you're own limits, what you think the other person wants based on what they're providing you. Any number of O. Henry short story plots rapidly ensue. Huzzah communication, and all that.

Hm. I should've stuck with just the short answer.

[madbodger.livejournal.com]

Little, asynchronous surprises. Things that really show you're thinking of them.

[(Anonymous)]

Tough question. It so depends on the people involved.

From my husband, what I like is that he's patient with my flaws, cuddly, and wants to spend time with me even when that's just not possible.

I require a fair amount of downtime, which often comes across as "not interested" to folks. And I'm distractible. Somehow I don't think I'm terribly good at this "letting people know you're still interested" stuff....

[quietann.livejournal.com]

that was me...

[maedbh7.livejournal.com]

Sorry to go all pedantic, but...interested in what? In you? In the relationship? In continuing to build a future together? In bseball? Or all these things?

That said, I would add to the list others have posted:
- continues to meet obligations that involve me
- continues to help bring about those events that bring me joy
- remembering the little details, like the fact that I like the little blue weeds that grow at the side of the road more than I like store-bought any kind of flower at all (and other little nuances of me like that)
- continues to notice when I do for them the little things that make their life easier

-H...

[merde.livejournal.com]

• cooks me a delicious dinner and serves it on the balcony just in time for sunset
  
• fires up the Victrola and asks me to dance
  
• takes me out for a milkshake and gazes adoringly at me the whole time
  
• sits through a cheesy Sci-Fi channel movie with me and insists on holding me during the "scary parts," even though they make me laugh hysterically
  
• tells me he's still interested, only more eloquently than that

yeah, i guess any of those would do it for me.

[blk]

Spend time with me. Quit the computer game early every so often just to come cuddle and talk. Suggest going out on a date. Brush and braid my hair. Surprise me with a little gift or card. Come talk to me about their day, both the really good parts and the frustrating parts. Ask me how my day was, and not just as a rote question. Give me kisses. :)